Friday, September 4, 2009

Barely made it out with my life!

{name that movie}

I don't like buggies. Period.

B/c unlike the rest of the population, I have the insider's scoop on the conspiracy amongst the creepy critters. Yep, the one that involves them getting the entire human population to think that they are merely harmless, defeatable little guys, when in fact, they are just waiting for the perfect moment to morph into giant creepies and take over the world. Whew, aren't you glad you now know their true ploy in life? Your welcome....but really no need to thank me, just doing my duty.

Anywho, let me recap for you the latest episode in which one of these creepy crawlies tried to invade and take over my life.

It was on this relaxing Friday morning that I decided it was necessary to partake in my daily cleansing ritual, aka, the shower. As I opened the shower curtain, what did I find staring back at me w/ gross eyes, large fangs, and six daddy-sized long legs? Yep, a disgusting creature who doesn't have a name b/c there-is-nothing-quite-capable-of-capturing-the-true-essence-of-this-thing.

Now without having to recap the Great Man-Eating Grasshopper Adventure of '07, let me just inform you that I have learned my lesson about using raid on rabid insects, so I chose instead to use the "normal" means of killing these awful creatures: a shoe....covered in toilet paper (for means of cleaning up the guts left behind.) So I killed it, and scooped it up, and dumped it in the toilet, and flushed it's lifeless body away. And I thought I had won...victory was mine.

But no.

In a startling turn of events, that creature thought it could one-up me even in death by leaving behind one of its legs....and that leg was MOVING! Yes right there in the middle of my freshly cleaned bathtub was a horrendous spider leg wiggling all over the place.

I was furious now. I did not know the correct protocol for dealing w/ a live, body-less spider leg. And everyone knows these things must be dealt with quickly should they morph into giant, man-eating spider legs....and it does happen. I know first hand... you see, even after death, these creatures have a way of making us pay. I recall the incident in my younger, more-trusting-of-creepies years when I was cleaning up the swimming pool and I got stung. By a DEAD wasp! You see, even when they're dead, you can't trust the critters!

And this one was still moving!!!! So I decided my next course of action was to leave the bathroom completely. And lie on my bed. And let my out-of-control racing heart beat return to normal lest I have a heart attack and the creature win victory over me.

So five much-needed minutes later, I summon all the bravery within me, and walked right back into that bathroom. And to my relief, the leg had stopped moving. But using my expert spider knowledge (I do have a degree in biology you know), I knew that these little guys have sneaky little ways of rigor-mortis-ing back to life, so I flushed it down the drain w/ the shower head.

And then with the little strength I had left from fighting this fearless opponent, I proceeded to take my shower...knowing full well that little leg could morph into a ginormous, death-to-all-mankind leg and rush up my drain and eat me alive. But I did it. There is no need to commend my bravery, I did what anyone would do. But thanks for the thought.

And I lived to tell about it in this blog post. Apparently God has other plans for me today (although I am convinced that when He does decide to take me Home, his MO will be death-by-spider attack).

And with that, I leave you in search of greener pastures, and to embrace my duty to all mankind by forging ahead, protecting the universe from the unsightly crawlers of death. And also to do whatever the Big Man chooses to do w/ me on this new day.

Peace out. And may the force be with you.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Hilarious Happenings

Brittany + Michelle = recipe for disaster. Or at the least, a whole lotta fun!

A few weekends ago, Britt and I planned a girls' weekend in Ft. Worth to celebrate being college grads...some may say we're educated, but please maybe you should wait until the end of this post to pass judgement on the level of our edu-macation.

Friday:
Being the wonderfully refined college graduates that we are, we decided to celebrate our transition into adulthood properly...by going to Hurricane Harbor!!!! (Back in my day, it was called Wet 'N' Wild, but I'm an old fogie now.) It was a blast! We started out the day with a bang by riding down the super tall, crazy steep, big slide (technical name... actually my aging memory is failing me and I can't come up w/ the real name). And we hooted and hollered the entire way down in which we were plunged not-so-gracefully into a deep pool of water. Wow-wee, what a way to kick off the grand watery adventure! Yes, much to the "delight" of our parents, we may never grow up.

After enjoying a full day of wetness and slides and wave pools and an amazing, knock-your-socks-off, take-your-kids-right-this-minute jungle gym-like water fort, we were pooped. And starved. And if there's one thing that Britt and I do well, it's eat. Especially when the menu involves unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks at the one and only Olive Garden! =)

Yep, that's right, folks. Six bowls of soup, two big bowls of salad, six breadsticks, and a full bottle of Muscato wine later, we were finally stuffed. (I interrupt this riveting blog post to inform you that you can buy a bottle of Olive Garden's rock-your-world salad dressing for 4 bucks... amazing. And yes, I give you that nugget of info for free, b/c well frankly, I'm just very generous.)

But we didn't stop there. In true celebratory fashion, dessert was an imperative part of the evening. But it turns out that OG disapproves of their guests unbuttoning their britches to make more room in the belly for some dessert, so we paid our ridiculously expensive bill (due to the full bottle of wine) and left that fine establishment in search of greater dessert horizons.

But we detoured. B/c we are Brittany and Michelle. We decided that we should make some room in our overstuffed bellies for the birthday cake ice cream we were craving, so we high-tailed it across the parking lot to TJ Maxx where we spent an hour perusing the goods, and making some very fun purchases for our houses.

Then back at the car, we headed to Albertson's b/c it was the closest grocery store (actually in the same parking lot as OG and TJM) to find ourselves some much-deserved ice cream. But much to our chagrin...the dang store did not have a single brand of ice cream with birthday cake flavor!!!! I know! I'm as shocked and appalled as you are reading this! I'm still quite upset about the whole matter...I need a moment to compose myself...

*sniffle*

Well we were flabbergasted (talk about a fun word!) but never the ones to back down to a challenge, we decided to continue the search for the much needed bday cake ice cream. However, b/c we were already in Albertson's, and b/c we were desperately craving ice cream, and b/c we were unsure of how long and far our search for bday cake ice cream would take us, and b/c we are nothing if not opportunistic, we decided to make a teensy-weensy purchase of ice cream for the road. Turns out Ben and Jerry sell these amazingly cute little bitty cups of ice cream, so Britt got strawberry shortcake, and I got chocolate chip cookie dough, to hold us of over until we were able to find our Holy Grail of ice cream.

And boy did we ever find it! Mecca, aka Marble Slab, saved our taste buds from a night of below-par desserts. Yes indeed! We whipped into the parking lot, scarfed down the last remaining bits of Ben and Jerry's (b/c even we know it would have been unclassy to walk into the Slab eating some knock-off, can't-even-make-bday-cake-flavored-ice-cream-available-to-the-general-public brand), and walked right into that deliciously smelling ice cream-lover's paradise, and ordered us a pint of birthday cake ice cream with rainbow sprinkles.

Every sweet thing in life should be served with sprinkles.

When that spoon filled with wonderfulness hit my tongue, I was transported to a place I didn't know could exist on this side of Heaven. Only two words could describe the transcendental experience: life. changing. I'm still savoring the moment.

It is here that I must interject a tidbit of info that may bring some insight into why this moment was so out-of-this-world. You see, since last October, Britt and I have been on a bet in which we do not eat sweets unless it is a big holiday or birthday. Yes, I know, we are out of our minds, but to our credit, we never did claim to be sane, so that's your own fault for assuming. Ten grueling months of nothing but drab apples and yogurt, left my taste buds desperate for ice cream.

And ice cream is amazing. And when sprinkles are thrown in there, it's just downright heavenly. So we proceeded to eat this amazing goodness until it was completely gone. And then licked the bowl. I'm afraid my life ended then and there, b/c nothing could ever top that moment.

Alright, enough with the melodrama. But seriously, if ice cream was a man, I'd marry him in a heartbeat...can you just imagine THAT kiss? =)

So with that sweet thought, I think I shall go munch on some carrots. All this talk about ice cream has made my jeans tighter.