Friday, September 4, 2009

Barely made it out with my life!

{name that movie}

I don't like buggies. Period.

B/c unlike the rest of the population, I have the insider's scoop on the conspiracy amongst the creepy critters. Yep, the one that involves them getting the entire human population to think that they are merely harmless, defeatable little guys, when in fact, they are just waiting for the perfect moment to morph into giant creepies and take over the world. Whew, aren't you glad you now know their true ploy in life? Your welcome....but really no need to thank me, just doing my duty.

Anywho, let me recap for you the latest episode in which one of these creepy crawlies tried to invade and take over my life.

It was on this relaxing Friday morning that I decided it was necessary to partake in my daily cleansing ritual, aka, the shower. As I opened the shower curtain, what did I find staring back at me w/ gross eyes, large fangs, and six daddy-sized long legs? Yep, a disgusting creature who doesn't have a name b/c there-is-nothing-quite-capable-of-capturing-the-true-essence-of-this-thing.

Now without having to recap the Great Man-Eating Grasshopper Adventure of '07, let me just inform you that I have learned my lesson about using raid on rabid insects, so I chose instead to use the "normal" means of killing these awful creatures: a shoe....covered in toilet paper (for means of cleaning up the guts left behind.) So I killed it, and scooped it up, and dumped it in the toilet, and flushed it's lifeless body away. And I thought I had won...victory was mine.

But no.

In a startling turn of events, that creature thought it could one-up me even in death by leaving behind one of its legs....and that leg was MOVING! Yes right there in the middle of my freshly cleaned bathtub was a horrendous spider leg wiggling all over the place.

I was furious now. I did not know the correct protocol for dealing w/ a live, body-less spider leg. And everyone knows these things must be dealt with quickly should they morph into giant, man-eating spider legs....and it does happen. I know first hand... you see, even after death, these creatures have a way of making us pay. I recall the incident in my younger, more-trusting-of-creepies years when I was cleaning up the swimming pool and I got stung. By a DEAD wasp! You see, even when they're dead, you can't trust the critters!

And this one was still moving!!!! So I decided my next course of action was to leave the bathroom completely. And lie on my bed. And let my out-of-control racing heart beat return to normal lest I have a heart attack and the creature win victory over me.

So five much-needed minutes later, I summon all the bravery within me, and walked right back into that bathroom. And to my relief, the leg had stopped moving. But using my expert spider knowledge (I do have a degree in biology you know), I knew that these little guys have sneaky little ways of rigor-mortis-ing back to life, so I flushed it down the drain w/ the shower head.

And then with the little strength I had left from fighting this fearless opponent, I proceeded to take my shower...knowing full well that little leg could morph into a ginormous, death-to-all-mankind leg and rush up my drain and eat me alive. But I did it. There is no need to commend my bravery, I did what anyone would do. But thanks for the thought.

And I lived to tell about it in this blog post. Apparently God has other plans for me today (although I am convinced that when He does decide to take me Home, his MO will be death-by-spider attack).

And with that, I leave you in search of greener pastures, and to embrace my duty to all mankind by forging ahead, protecting the universe from the unsightly crawlers of death. And also to do whatever the Big Man chooses to do w/ me on this new day.

Peace out. And may the force be with you.

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